Zurich cannot write nor speak elegantly enough to capture her thoughts, though she spends much of her time reflecting; over what some may find stressful to recall, Zurich finds comfort in remembering any joyful times with those she may have once claimed to love.
Everyone speaks to me saying that they wish I was how I used to be; those who don't develop a brand idea that they can fix me by breaking me to a point of fighting back. The only two who's support has worked, I personally feel, is my mentor Blince and my mate Bouddycca.
Blince is tough, but he doesn't push me for his own personal gain. He's so alike me that I cannot help but feel inspired—we have both reached the point of life that death is not feared, where the lives of those we care for are all that we breath on for. He understood why I had become reckless and drunk; he understood why I did things that could end my life.
Bouddycca...What a fateful find she had been. It was the last of one of my drunken stumbles in the woods around Bree and Staddle, and the best one yet. I came upon her camp, and when she had intended on taking me in a predator-versus-prey game, I ended up curled against her to slumber into the gentle night, the soft crackle of the fire offering a dance of flames whilst we found sleep in the warmth of furs. I was too intoxicated, at that time, to realize where fates hand had lay me down. Never did I expect that days later, we'd find love blossoming in our chests for each other.
She reminded me of a beast, at first. I was scared and unsure to lingering around, as I tend to have horrible luck when it came to strangers. But she was nothing harsh, I was soon to find. She was healing to simply lay in silence with, strong yet soft and gentle, understanding even when little words passed between us. Her...Culture is still confusing to me—the tattoos of an exile, the wrapping her body as if she wore a coat of ivy, her sharpened teeth that made me worry a kiss should cut my lip. I'm even trying to learn her language, ans though I know I'm poor with it, I think it makes her happy.
I've never wanted to be stronger for anyone else as I want for her. She protects me furiously, and I know it is not because I am as weak as I am, but a drive she'd hold no matter what. I don't want to become my old self, as Harlyn and Amerry shove into my mind every chance they get; I want to be someone new for Boud. I would be happy to leave behind all I knew to live at her side. I'd be happy to sharpen my teeth and even don tattoos over mine made of scars. I'd even leave Indignation, if she truly wanted me to.
I can't say I've ever felt so much for someone. I remember my first romantic feelings, the flutter in my stomach, when I began working and frequenting the inn. It was for a lass named Marichai, the cousin of my friend Catilyn. She used to be kind and gentle, couldn't stand the sight of blood nor violence; I remember the urging feeling I had to protect her. I saw her little, and each time I did, we had both dramatically changed. Last I spoke to her, I was still drinking every minute of the day, depressed and passive. She spoke passionately to me on ridding the city of scum and such. I urged her to not, as it was only a path that crossed the same motives that eventually got me where I am now. I haven't seen her since then.
And then, there was Amerry. There was a click at first, between us, and it was our affair that eventually set me into Indignation, after betraying Lady Aellwenn Estellin by switching sides. She disppeared, and I thought her dead; I forced myself to move on, and Harlyn and I never spoke her name. When we did, we both had to stop as great sadness would overwhelm us. She's back, now, and I'd be bold enough to claim she's even more different than I. She still loves me; I feel nothing. I think I may fear her more than anything.
There's Hecturn as well...Perhaps if he had not disappeared, I'd still be with him. He was big and strong, protective and foolishly noble. I loved him so much that I had dared try to cast him away, as by this point, I realized that all I loved had gained a terrible fate. He disappeared without a single word, long ago. I never speak of him, but I do miss him. I wonder what he would think if he saw who I was now. I don't think he'd push me to be as I once was; I think he'd be another healing heart. I'd think him dead, but the dead come back to haunt me each day. I can never be too sure.
Flynagin...An odd man that took me on odd ventures. He taught me to stop shying away from every little new experience, and more than a few times forgot that I can't swim and nearly took me so. He was forward and sarcastic, and I oftentimes had a difficult time telling which from what; whatever feelings I had for him did not stay, and though I may not have ever wanted him as he had me, I would have wanted him as a valuable friend. I can't help but wonder what antics he may have fallen into; the thought always brings a smile to my face.
And from there, Bouddycca has come and stayed in my life. I like to imagine she's the last fling I'll ever have, as we'll always be together. Am I foolish for thinking so? I guess it's hardly the least foolish, with what I've admitted already. Perhaps I'm drunk with a desperate need for affection and love, but whatever the connection of her to me may be, I'll accept it with open arms. I dream that by her side, I'll be a ferocious wolf—no longer a mewling kitten that stays hidden behind her. She is my sunset, the bathing warmth in the wake of the unforgiving darkness.
I need not be what I once was to change from what I have become...But blossom in a new light and new life to take on what is to come.
