Why did I finish my last entry with the words "what may come"? I spoke in haste, it seems, for yesterday was another whirlpool of madness, both terrible and lovely. Will life ever just calm down for a day or a week or a month? Bree seems to be some sort of hub for insanity of all kinds...as if it draws folk of passion, both wicked and good, from all corners of Middle Earth, concentrating them into the hedged walls of this little town and tumbling them together. If not for all my dear friends here, I think I'd just take Jack and go back to hiding inside Hookworth! As it is, I may take a few days and simply...retreat from it all. I'm torn with feeling like I need to be in town, with trouble brewing everywhere, I want to be there to help if needed, and to keep an eye on those I care for. But I'm only a little person... I'd like to fancy myself strong and brave and impenetrable, but I'm not. I can feel my heart and mind filling up with things... with thoughts, feelings, memories, worries, musings. And I need time - time, and quiet, and space - to sort through it all, and find myself somewhere in the midst.
I don't want to chronicle every moment of what happened yesterday; the attack on poor, little Chrysanthe. Thankfully, she should live, due to the quick action, kindness, and skill of folk like Cesistya and Demlemoth. I'm thankful, too, that my new friend and I were there when Avilina received that wicked note, so that she didn't run off alone. Brywulf followed as well, and when we returned, my friend Aranglin came alongside to comfort Avilina. How thankful I am, for the hearts of good folk, while such horrible wickedness continues to rear its head in this town! How anyone could attack a hobbit...the idea is simply beyond my reckoning. My heart breaks to picture dear Avi... in all of her furious agony... especially after what happened to her sister...
Speaking of! Avilina stood there beside Chrissy, screaming for the Watch, and not a single Watch officer was in the area. No one heard, no one came. Why are they leaving Beggar's Alley unmonitored, after all the attacks that have been happening there? Someone should be stationed there at all times, if you ask me! At least temporarily, until these murders and stabbings and other horrors are brought under control.
Allow me a moment to calm myself and refocus my thoughts...
I have come to a decision that is so painfully difficult to write here. There is nothing more tormenting than the disappearance of someone, leaving their loved ones to worry, wonder, guess, and wait. If I thought that Lainric were simply occupied with business or duty somewhere, I would wait for him until the last breath left my body. I had fully hoped, and expected, to spend all the long years of my life with him. (The writing here becomes smudged in places, as if perhaps something wet had dripped onto the page.) But I know this man well enough to know that he would never be away so long without getting word to me. I became faintly concerned for him after a week had gone by. Two weeks, then three, then a month... my concern turned to quiet dread. At some point, I must stop torturing myself with this fantasy that he is making his way home, and I just need to keep waiting. No, because Lainric would not simply vanish without a word. The conclusion then, is that he is...gone. Against his will. I do not wish to entertain thoughts of him being captured and imprisoned by the Enemy, I don't think I could survive that knowledge. Perhaps I am being naive or simply weak, but I must tell myself that my beloved Lainric is dead. I spoke it first aloud to Aallan yesterday, though the timing was clumsy to say the least, as he tried to explain the declaration he'd made towards me in the same conversation. Ah well, if I can say anything for Aallan, it is that he seems to take life lightly, and his easy nature is a much appreciated counterpoint to my... excess of feeling. And though my decision about Lainric is a knife in my heart, I know that I can only find the will to move on by facing it head-on, and this is the first step.
How I hate weeping...how weak and helpless and pathetic it makes one feel.
