Everyone knows, now. Rue knows, Cat knows, he knows. If I had but shut my mouth, it would not have been this bad. If I had kept myself to myself, I would have long ago had peace. And yet, I must tell everyone. But why?
My understanding has been keen. I have been a logical, even calculating woman. I have rarely lost my head in things. And yet, what I feel disturbs me. In fact, my entire living disturbs me at this moment. I do not understand where my footing is. It is as though I am walking on an icy lake, which may crack at any moment and send me into its frigid depths.
I do not mean to speak of him over and over, and yet I cannot but help myself. I am afraid I am becoming a little crazed about the whole ordeal. That it is a little more than a compulsion, and a little less than love.
I am at the same time comfortable and uncomfortable in the man's presence. There is something about him that feels like home, and yet, at the same time, something that is eerie, foreign. Our conversations were once balm to me in the mediocrity that is Bree-town. But now, it is different.
I recall that night when he spoke to me at length, when he made a peculiar offer, and I refused him. Since then, I believe it oddly settled the tension between us, oddly calmed me down from the ideas of running away, that have so often plagued me.
I still find I cannot trust Cat. I spilled more tea than I should have done when in her presence the other evening. I cannot help but think that she will use what I have told her against me. And why shouldn't she? I am foolish in the telling. Yet there was something cathartic in saying it.
And Rue. I can understand Rue both better and worse than I understand him. Her relationship with me is a strange one. She wishes to both admire and hate me at the same time, and I will never know when it will be one or the other, when she decides to express what pleases her. It seems to please her to take advantage of what she knows about me, and to hurt me.
How I ever decided to work with these people, I will never know. It is a strange, bothersome, and unfortunate circumstance that it has come to pass. And yet, I find, as much as I complain, as much as I feel the strain and tension...I feel more at home here than I ever have in Bree. Is not that odd?
